So...Speed Racer

Well, I'm three weeks into the 2008 movie marathon and we hit a major snag. 2008 is a promising summer for movies, with a movie coming out almost every week through July that I want to see. And I say almost because there are a couple of weeks in there that have some clunkers...and this was one of them.

Now, I kinda wanted to see Speed Racer, up until the point where I read a few reviews talking about how overwhelmingly bad the movie is anyway. But my wife, who was a much bigger fan of the TV show than I was, still wanted to go see it, so, prepared for what was surely a bad movie, I went in ready for the worst.

I needed a bigger boat.

Speed Racer is an amazingly bad movie, that, as one reviewer stated, "looked like someone threw up Skittles all over the screen." Now, if I haven't mentioned it, I am color blind, and about 10 minutes into the movie my wife leaned over to me and told me that she was so jealous of that fact, and the movie was way too colorful for me. It's really difficult to describe just how much of a sensory overload this film is, except perhaps to say that when we walked out of the theater we felt as though the world was an odd, bland place.

And the filmmakers decided that, in order to keep with the title of the film, I'm guessing, they would make sure that things were ALWAYS in motion in the movie. The constant panning and scene swipes in the film are incredibly annoying. I once condemned Francis Ford Copolla's Bram Stoker's Dracula for using to many fades and swipes in a movie, and I would officially like to apologize to him and that film, as having seen Speed Racer I now feel that every other frenetic film ever made was shot with a single stationary camera.

Oh, and the writing...let's talk about the writing for a second. It was horrible. The plot and pacing of the movie was so disjointed and haphazard that it was difficult to follow. What's more, just about every action scene in the movie is so flashy and oversaturated that you can't follow a single action, let alone make heads or tails out of what is happening in the race.

And speaking of the races, if you have any appreciation for well executed and technically accurate racing, well, then you want to avoid this movie at all costs. At almost no moment during the film do the cars ever go in a straight line. I know, I know--strange concept for a car, that whole driving in a straight line thing, but I still wish it happened at least once or twice in a race. Instead, the cars flip and spin in an odd mix of acrobatics and martial arts maneuvers as they literally fight their way down the speedway in an attempt to win the race.

So, all in all, it was a bad movie. A very bad movie, in fact. And yet, because I went into the theater expecting one of the worst movies I've seen in a while, I had fun. I laughed and smiled a lot. And it was because of the movie. Not because of good things, but because it was so bad that I was able to mock it and joke about it with my friends for the length of the whole film. And I also look at the experience as something I can almost brag about. Seeing the ticket receipts from the first weekend--putting the movie around the $20 million range--I will be among the few that can say they actually saw that cacophonous disaster on the big screen.

Still, I know what the Wachowski's were going for when they made the movie, right after the film ended. Every child under the age of about 12 that stood up after the movie was giddy happy. One kid actually danced down the aisle with his mom when it was done. So, all the colors and motion did have a target audience, but it was even younger than my own youthful mindset.

And there were a few moments in the film that made me smile for the right reasons. The race in the middle of the film where Speed drives the Mach 5--oh, did I not mention that he doesn't drive the Mach 5 in the majority of the movie? No, he drives the classic and beloved Mach 6 through most of it--is highly reminiscent of the original show. It even features a bad guy from the original series. And, even though I think I was the only one in my group that enjoyed it, I liked the scene where Racer X took on the mobsters rolling headquarters, mostly for little touches like him constantly shooting up the vehicle in an "X" pattern and such; and it also seemed that fighting a rolling headquarter semi-truck was something right out of the show, and was the only action sequence that was easy to follow visually.

So, anyway...bad movie. Don't go see Speed Racer unless you have kids. Or really want to go see something very, very bad on a big screen that has a very distinct possibility of causing a seizure at any given moment.

On the other hand, if you want to go see a good movie go see Iron Man. I'm thinking of going to see it again just to clean my movie palette...