If there is anything that I've learned from my many days of horror, sci-fi and gaming, it's that when something dies and comes back from the dead, it isn't natural. In fact, it's never a good thing.
When something comes back from the dead, it is either a zombie or a vampire.
Which of course raises the question: is Jesus a zombie or a vampire?
Every year around this time, my mind is flooded with this dilemma, but as a result I've had plenty of time to think about it. Zombies are brain-eating shamblers with social skill issues and horrible wardrobes. Vampires on the other hand are exactly the opposite, at least in the social skill and wardrobe department. Granted, vampires don't eat brains, but they do feed off of the blood of the living, so I do consider that one a wash.
Now, granted that the majority of the Christian faith does seem to fall into the zombie catagory, but we're looking at the head man of the operation and not the little guys.
It has been documented that Jesus had a little party once upon a time where he was insistant that his closest followers eat of his flesh and drink of his blood--paraphrasing of course. To me, this smacks completely of the actions of a vampire. I mean, drink of my blood? Vampires are known to procreate and amass an army of followers through the exact same system.
The one problem with this is that the whole last supper story is said to happen BEFORE his death and not after. That flies directly against the vampire arguement. But the zombie angle doesn't hold up either, mostly due to the complex actions Jesus was involved with after his death. The speeches and the total lack of brain eating are a dead giveaway--pun intended.
So, that brings me back to vampire. But there is a story of Jesus meeting some women on the road to Bethany and appearing in a shower of sunlight. That goes very much against the whole vampire thing again, so we're back to zombie. But Jesus is appearing and disappearing and moving giant stones and such, which is far beyond the capabilities of any zombie.
Where does that leave us then?
I have a theory. I think that Jesus is a Super-Zombie-Vampire! He is the only one of his kind, showing the strength and abilities of a vampire, with the resilience of a zombie. And he was able to create his own personal fashion sense as well.
We may never really know the answer to this dilemma, but that doesn't mean that we can't think about it whenever the amazing story of a man dying for saying "be nice" too often and then coming back for his vengeance comes up.
Happy Easter.
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2 comments:
I realize that this post is intended to be humorous, but I think it should be said that many takes on vampires and zombies are intentional perversions of the Resurrection account by evil powers whether real or perceived. Not all of them are abtractions of the Resurrection, of course, as many legends pre-date the Christian era. I am fairly sure, though, that 'inverted Christianity' was a factor in Stoker's take on the subject.
So, equating evil things with the object of the faith of millions will most likely be seen as objectionable by its adherants. One certainly has the freedom to say such things, but it's good to be aware that they will seem like mocking comments to many. This would be even more true during this time of the year which is often referred to as Holy Week.
I think the greatest difference between Jesus and any 'creature of the night' is that vampires and zombies are 'living dead' or 'undead' and no longer truly alive.
The resurrection story of Jesus indicates a full return to life as we know it and a glimpse at something beyond which offers hope.
Zombies got no hope. :-)
Building off Lanny's comments--
I've often seen zombies as the inversion of the Christian concept--that is, while in Christianity the soul lives on after the death of the body, the zuvembi is the soulless body that continues to exist in a "living" state. It's the empty shell, driven by a force that functions only in the absence of the soul.
And there are some traditions that perceive in Genesis a story of two mates for Adam--the first, Lilith, becoming the first vampire.
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